


Fix Me

by orphan_account



Category: Super Junior, The Daisy Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 16:34:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3331508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about Kyuhyun and Donghae going through hell together.</p><p>A story about them surviving and fixing each other in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fix Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inralphlauren](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inralphlauren/gifts).



> Yes. I have written this just for you Daisy. Almost 20K words. Yep.
> 
> Firstly, don't shoot me for creating a clinically depressed Kyuhyun ^^ I just felt I could characterize him really well like that. AND YES KYUHYUN IS SUPER OOC AT THE BEGINNING AND THAT WAS MY PURPOSE. And basically I tried to make this fic every genre possible and I could have written a novel but restrained myself. So there's a lot of pathetic romance, fluff, my weak attempts at smut lmao, and of course, my favorite: Angst.
> 
> I hope you like it ;___; Ily.
> 
> AND *****SPOILER***** BUT THEY BOTH MEND EACH OTHER AND IT'S A HAPPY ENDING I WOULDN'T DESTROY YOU ON YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY.

There’s this noise.  
  
A noise in his head that has taken over and permanently refused to let him go: a loud buzzing which makes him feel disgustingly ill. He walks, pacing his room, stomping around  the hallway, throwing on his coat and exiting his house into the fresh air to find some semblance of control; to get it all out. But he finds no relief as the reverberating loudness of the vile repetitive screech drones on an on between his temples. He walks with aggression, almost marching in the trance to force his body and mind to for _once_ just react the way he wants, and to make the ringing in his ears stop forever. But he can’t get anything out when it is all just boiling into an eruption within him and claiming his soul. As one by one each cell in his body and every fibre of his being is taken over he feels his insides recoil and bubble up into painful molten lava. He wonders when the time will come when his body will implode in on itself.  
  
There’s this itch.  
  
An itch he can’t place. He moves his hands feverishly to scratch and scratch and scratch but it never evades him. His ear tingles and he feels he has finally found it, but after yanking at the earlobe with his fingers he arrives at no solace. He scratches his arms like a manic until they go horrible shades of pink and red, but the discomfort prevails, always. His hands find his back to violently scratch and half slap it so that maybe, _finally_ , he can be at peace. The peace never comes. He wonders when he will drive himself mad and explode into a million pieces.  
  
Kyuhyun can never acknowledge the truth, even though deep down it is etched into his mind and the thought always seems to be on the tip of his tongue. He pretends these noises and itches are his biggest problem - that they stop him from living his life - when in reality it is something much worse, and something far more frightening. Kyuhyun is only lying to himself.  
  
It’s like those fresh green leaves in the morning with dew webbed across, and when the first ray of sunlight hits the icicles melt away into droplets. Only the droplets don’t fall onto the ground like they should do and it’s all really just a movie which the guy with the remote control decides to pause. The guy then gets up and leaves and decides to do something else and just let those droplets on the screen hang.  
  
There is no noise. What Kyuhyun hears is silence.  
  
There is no itch. What Kyuhyun feels is absolutely nothing.  
  
Kyuhyun is numb. Kyuhyun is completely empty.  
  
  
******  
  
_*Ting ding tong ting* “Welcome customer! What would you like to order?”_  
  
Kyuhyun snaps back into reality. He realizes that he has walked into a food court and a creepy looking voice-automated vending machine is talking to him. He peers at it with disgust and walks past, suddenly blinded by the bright lights that surround him that so contrast the dark black streets he had forcefully enveloped himself into mere minutes ago. The food court is almost deserted -- it is 1:23am on a Tuesday night after all, and the usual milieu of collective chatter and laughter is lacking. Only the vending machine is audible to Kyuhyun, as well as the dim sound of an annoying pop song which is always on the radio, playing on the speakers placed all around the setting.  
  
Only when he sees the different fast food chain stalls does he realize how ravenous he is. His empty shell of a body is not only emotionally hollow, but so physically unfilled and hungry that he could eat a horse. Kyuhyun tries to remember if he ate any lunch that afternoon but can’t seem to confirm or deny the fact or place any memory. His thoughts waltz from hunger to frustration at his inability to remember such a simple and integral circumstance. He can’t seem to remember anything these days.  
  
He trudges along the tiled floor and places himself in front of a fast food chain brand he is familiar with. He suddenly has a craving for fried chicken and he has had takeaway baskets from here before. It’s a shame the employee standing on the other side of the counter is fast asleep.  
  
Kyuhyun momentarily forgets the gnawing feeling inside himself and turns to observe the strange man, who is half standing and half bowing, with his head rested on his arms which are in turn on the counter. His eyes are shut and he is practically snoring with his mouth wide open and a sliver of saliva leaking out, but that’s not the worst bit. Being an employee of _Fried_ _Chicks_ obliges one to wear a chicken hat complete with feathers and the trademark reddish beak. The sleeping young man is thus wearing this hat, but being in his weird sleeping position has made the chicken lopsided, and it looks more like there is a deformed beast situated on top of said man’s head, heaving in and out as the man snores and breathes.  
  
Kyuhyun pokes at the man’s head, and he jolts awake.  
  
“AHH! Ah! Hi! Hello! Sorry! Oh god. Sorry. I-I fell asleep, _again_?! Dammit!! Why does that keep happening. I’m so sorry, s-sir. Sir yes. Hello. Oh god.”  
  
Kyuhyun’s head is already aching, and so this stranger’s fast paced, irritating words are like daggers in his skull. Kyuhyun just wants the idiot to shut up.  
  
“I want to place an order.”  
  
And so he quickly does, whilst Chicken Man presses buttons and beeps things into the the cashier machine, almost like a little kid playing with a toy, to get a receipt out, fumbling with his fingers as he tries to fully wake up. He shouts out the order to the employees in the kitchen, then hands Kyuhyun the change and receipt as well as a token ticket with a number on it.  
  
“When I call the number out you can come get your food,” Chicken Man says enthusiastically.  
  
“But there’s literally no one here right now... why is that even necessary.”  
  
“Standard procedure. I just want to do my job well.”  
  
“I see. Like you were doing so just minutes ago then.” Kyuhyun’s icy tone could freeze a furnace in five seconds flat.  
  
The employee’s cheeks redden slightly and his face falls into a dejected expression. All his enthusiasm gone, his shoulders sag as he watches Kyuhyun walk away. Kyuhyun feels no remorse at having clearly hurt another human’s feelings. Owing to the fact that he himself feels nothing anymore, being sharp and witty with others bears him no consequences and he frankly doesn’t care how it affects others. To him, the guy was bizarre and annoying anyway.  
  
Kyuhyun walks away from the counter and sits at a table not so far away so he can get his food ASAP and get out of here just as fast. His head feels spaced out, and he knows this is the lowest point of his depression. As he puts his bony hands on the cold table a shiver runs down his spine. His limbs start to shake and he tries to calm himself down by telling himself that it will only go uphill from here. He will wake up the next day and maybe feel just slightly normal like he usually does. Maybe he won’t feel completely useless or completely lonely. He just needs to get himself out of this sick spiral circle of self-hate, go home, get some sleep; no doubt he would be better. _All lies, but what the fuck else am I supposed to tell myself._  
  
He glances back at the counter to see Chicken Man once again in his half bowed posture, only this time he is not sleeping. He has his head in his cupped hands with his elbows resting on the counter. To Kyuhyun, this man looks like a five year old in his stupid feather hat, mostly because he is ogling around with wild eyes making weird fish faces with his mouth for no reason whatsoever. Chicken Man suddenly realizes he is being watched as he pauses his fish-face show and looks straight at Kyuhyun. The latter is about to look away so as not to come off as rude, but then Chicken Man decides it’s the perfect time to give Kyuhyun a bright smile, causing Kyuhyun to seriously contemplate whether the guy who physically looks around 19 years old could actually have mentally not aged beyond his tween years.  
  
The smile is so child-like, so pure and innocent, that Kyuhyun is forced to look away immediately and back down at his shaking limbs. It’s cold. To him it is always cold, and it’s disgusting that another guy in the same vicinity as him could be so happy when he himself feels so despondent and helpless. This guy, wearing a ridiculous chicken hat and stuck here on a night shift, is happier than him, and it makes Kyuhyun want to throw up.  
  
Instead, tears brim in his eyes and begin falling out at semi-glacial speed. Kyuhyun bows his head down so he can hide his visage, and he cries his meaningless tears. He doesn’t even know why he is crying when inside there is no semblance of any sort of feeling. Maybe it’s because he is jealous of this guy’s happiness. Maybe it’s because he knows he can never reach a point in his life where he could feel happiness too. Maybe it’s just everything slowly but surely taking its toll on his weak body.  
  
Kyuhyun jerks up once he feels a warm hand on his shoulder. It’s Chicken Man’s left, whilst the right one holds the tray with Kyuhyun’s food in it. When Kyuhyun looks up, the other guy is no longer smiling but rather halfway through a muffled gasp. His lips are parted open, his eyebrows slightly furrowed and his deep eyes show a genuine concern that Kyuhyun hasn’t seen in a long time.  
  
“Are you... okay, sir? You’re shaking a lot and y-your, eyes ar-”  
  
“Who are you to ask me this? Why can’t you just do your job, for fuck’s sake?!”  
  
“I-I-I just. You don’t look okay at all, sir. I thought you-”  
  
“What the fuck are you prying into my business for? Leave me alone you annoying bastard!”  
  
Kyuhyun yanks the young man’s hand off of his shoulder and runs back home.  
   
******  
  
_Sssst_. The wind is blowing in secretive whistles, gently pushing Kyuhyun’s shaggy dark hair into his eyes.

  
He jerks his head but not too hard to flip the intruding tangles and clear his vision. He smiles. He likes this sort of weather: the cool touch of the air on his pale skin makes him feel more alive than usual. He wants to stand still and close his eyes; then maybe look like a romantic fool and open his arms wide to let the wind attack his body. Before he can even entertain the thought, the two guys in front of him beg him to hurry up and stop falling behind.  
  
It’s been a month since Kyuhyun has felt truly and sickeningly depressed. He’s had to restart his thought process and life again for the umpteenth time, but it seems to be working for the time being, so he is okay. It always works for a while before spiraling out of control again, and Kyuhyun is well aware of this fact, but just like last time, or the time before that, he wants to ignore the impending doom and cross that bridge when it comes.  
  
“Kyu, why are you walking so slowly, you little girl?!” The shorter of his two best friends is not known for being a nice guy.  
  
“Kyuhyun-ssi, my class will start again before we can finish lunch. Walk faster!”  
  
“Siwon, you freak. How do you expect me to walk fast when I don’t have beautiful, long, and sexy legs likes yours?”  
  
Siwon doesn’t come up with a rebuttal, but merely chuckles and does a half-hearted facepalm before trudging on. If anyone is used to Kyuhyun’s strange humor, it is him.  
  
The three musketeers walk into the local mall and fool around window shopping for a good half hour. They have only started college together a few weeks ago, and the thrill of ditching classes or leaving in the middle of the day to walk around town and just do absolutely nothing is still freshly exhilarating. It’s a pity that the only way to channel the new found freedom in this town is by going to the mall, or something equally as boring.  
  
Kyuhyun doesn’t feel entirely bored though, at least on the surface level. He likes his friends, he likes the major he is going for, and it’s not bad that he can cope with the onslaught of college, studying wise. He is smart, his grades are good, and so is his life. He has no reason to feel depressed. But that’s just the surface level. There’s a Level 2 to his disposition, which he guesses could constitute his feelings towards _Starcraft,_ or his hobby of singing, or other material possessions that make him feel alive and temporarily happy i.e. his modes of escapism. Level 3 is where it gets tough, because it’s like a placid gaping hole. The problem is that he knows there definitely is a Level 3 because he can feel the emptiness, but what exactly he is meant to fill that in with, he has no fucking idea. Here there is a longing for something, or maybe someone, possibly even a somewhere? He doesn’t think he will ever figure it out, especially when he sees how the rest of the universe’s inhabitants have it all figured out already. He’s just gotten left behind.  
  
“I’m craving fried chicken.”  
  
“Again?! Hyukjae, how much fried chicken will you eat this week? You had two buckets yesterday.”  
  
“Mmmm, Siwon-ah. I can’t control it. I’m in love. Fried chicken is legitimately the love of my life. I don’t even feel like having it, but it calls out to me, I swear on my life. _Eaaaat meeeeee Hyukkieeee, eaaattt meeeee._ ”  
  
“Give the bastard his damned chicken or so god help me, I will punch him in the mouth until he shuts up,” Kyuhyun interrupts in a mock exasperated tone.  
  
They all guffaw loudly and make their way to the food court, where Eunhyuk goes off to order and the other two find a table to sit at. Siwon instantaneously gets his phone out of his pocket and Kyuhyun sighs.  
  
“When will you stop tweeting? You realize no one gives a shit that you are having the time of your life at this amazing mall.”  
  
“Shhhh. I’m not tweeting. Texting someone.”  
  
“ _Ooooh_! Who is it. A girl? Is she hot? Show me!”  
  
“No, you idiot. I got in touch with one of my childhood friends. He’s a missionary in Seoul now. I’m trying to get him to hook me up with the local Pastor so I can go talk to him. Kyu, I could seriously be able to volunteer or even work at the Church! Imagine that!”  
  
Kyuhyun’s mouth goes slightly agape as he tries to understand how someone could use the phrase “hook me up” and “Pastor” in the same sentence.  
  
“Siwon-ssi, you are really astonishing. Not to mention boring as fuck.”  
  
“Hey, don’t swear so much. You’ve hit your daily limit of five swear words already.”  
  
Before Kyuhyun can verbally attack his handsome best friend, Eunhyuk joins them at the table with a token ticket in hand, reading the number 13. Kyuhyun gets a slight horror flashback as he remembers the last time he saw a ticket like that: when he went to _Fried Chicks_ in the middle of that horrible night. He calms his anxiety by telling himself that he is better now, and that night is a thing of the past.  
  
The rest of the collective conversation between the three boys is a blur, at least to Kyuhyun. Hyukjae starts whining about his latest hook-up, Siwon gets annoyed and lectures Hyukjae on his unholy playboy habits, Kyuhyun makes some dry remarks and blah blah blah. Kyuhyun can’t seem to help thinking that even though he loves his best friends, they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. Their conversations almost always border on the mundane, and remain repetitive in nature. It sometimes feels as if they are just going through the motions.  
  
They hear the number 13 being called out from the counter and decide who will venture out to get the food tray through an intense game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. They go two rounds into it with three-way ties until both Hyukjae and Siwon end up choosing Rock and Kyuhyun chooses Scissors, making him the loser.  
  
Kyuhyun walks to _Fried_ _Chicks_ and slaps the 13 number ticket on the counter as an assertion to demand the food. He starts to get annoyed when he gets no response from the employee on the other side and looks up at him, about to make an annoyed remark, but then his horrifying flashback comes back and decides to wholly assemble into a painstakingly vivid view.  
  
It’s the same guy from that night from a month ago, and he’s looking at Kyuhyun with his mouth wide open as if he has just seen a ghost. The employee’s body is entirely frozen, including his deep-set eyes which are looking directly into Kyuhyun’s, as if probing him and asking a multitude of questions. The man’s face is so unsettling that Kyuhyun promptly averts his eyes, and although the employee is tactless according to Kyuhyun’s previous assessment, even he looks away now, getting the hint. He quickly hands Kyuhyun the tray of food without saying a word, and the latter almost sprints back to his table; safely away from those piercing eyes.  
  
But Kyuhyun cannot concentrate during lunch as he consistently looks over at the _Fried_ _Chicks_ counter every few minutes to see the employee. It’s completely strange and unlike him, but watching the poor guy slouch and walk around all dejected makes Kyuhyun conscious of how his actions may actually have had a negative effect on the man. As his two friends joke about him suddenly being very quiet because he isn’t making any sarcastic comments, Kyuhyun realizes that what he may be feeling at that moment is a bit of guilt.  
  
The graveness of his current situation is momentarily abated as Eunhyuk drops a wad of tomato ketchup all over his pristine white shirt. Hilarity ensues as he wails and the other two laugh hysterically at his misfortune.  
  
“You’re both horrible. I bought this beautiful shirt just last week. Ugh.”  
  
“Then you shouldn’t have decided to bleed all over it, you fool.”  
  
“Uggggghhhh. Kyu, get me some tissues or something at least. Uggggggggghhhh.” Kyuhyun can’t help but laugh at Eunhyuk’s exasperated groans.  
  
Kyuhyun obliges, only 40% because he actually wants to help his friend, and 60% because he wants to see the employee up close again.  
  
“Um, I need some tissues.” Chicken Man doesn’t look up.  
  
“I gave you some already,” Chicken Man says the words so quietly that the listener almost doesn’t catch them. He seems to be the one avoiding eye contact now, and it makes Kyuhyun’s blood boil.  
  
“No, you didn’t. If you did then I would have no reason to walk up here and ask you for some. And don’t be so fucking rude to your customer, I paid you, so hand me the damn tissues for crying out loud.” Kyuhyun comes off more harshly than he had intended, but then again Kyuhyun doesn’t seem to have a constraint meter. All the other employees and customers are staring at the two now.  
  
Chicken Man finally looks up and for a second it seems as if he is going to burst into tears.  His eyes are so pure that Kyuhyun does a double-take and instantly regrets how he was the one who caused the sadness to situate itself in them. But the man doesn’t actually cry, instead mumbling out a “Sorry” and handing Kyuhyun a bunch of white tissues. After seeing the morose expression on the guy’s face, Kyuhyun walks back to the table feeling even more uncharacteristically guilty than he did before.  
  
Eunhyuk cleans up and looks at his watch. Both him and Siwon get up to go because it is time for their Introductory Philosophy class. They eye Kyuhyun questioningly when he stays rooted in his spot, sipping the coke casually from his straw.  
  
“What? Just cause you two took the stupid class doesn’t mean I have to come too.”  
  
“So, you’re just going to sit here? Alone?” Siwon’s expression almost suggests that Kyuhyun has just told him he is going to start chain smoking.  
  
“Yeah. I’ll walk around or something and ponder. Maybe try to figure out why you believe I am your slave and must follow you.”  
  
With a defeated sigh, Siwon walks away with an amused Eunhyuk trailing in his footsteps.  
  
Kyuhyun has no interest in walking around.  
  
At a confident pace, he marches to the _Fried Chicks_ counter with purpose. Chicken Man has his back turned and he is busy cleaning the drinks machine as if his life depends on it. Kyuhyun notices that even here the guy is wearing that stupid feather hat and this fact coupled with the entire ridiculousness of the situation he has put himself in makes him want to explode with laughter.  
  
Instead he clears his throat, and on cue the employee swivels around, in a way that makes it look like a transition dance step to an elaborate choreography.  
  
Kyuhyun has absolutely no idea why, but he is holding his right hand out as a gesture of good will. Chicken Man looks at him with disbelief for what seems like the billionth time.  
  
“Uhh, yeah. I just, wanted to say sorry. For being a… dick.” It takes Kyuhyun’s entire willpower to form the words and spit them out, and even then he doesn’t know what to expect.  
  
Chicken Man’s incredulous expression breaks out into a joyous smile so instantaneously that Kyuhyun’s sense of purpose wholly shatters. The employee doesn’t acknowledge the hand, but rather leaps into Kyuhyun’s arms to give him a hug.  
  
“No, no! _I’m_ sorry! It’s totally alright, you don’t have to apologize at all! It’s totally okay, man! Wow, it’s so cool that you said sorry! It’s total--”  
  
Kyuhyun tries to shove the guy off of him but is shocked at how strong the latter’s grip actually is, despite the fact that he is a good few inches shorter and completely innocent looking.  
  
After what seems like an eternity, the man finally lets go of Kyuhyun, still beaming from ear to ear. Kyuhyun has to force himself to not say something horribly mean to this gullible, not to mention completely bizarre, young man, even though a million snarky comments are pulsating in his head since he can’t believe how stupid the guy actually is.  
  
“Sheesh, do you ever stop smiling?” Is what he manages out instead.  
  
The man guffaws with his mouth wide open and his eyes scrunched.  
  
“I get happy when good things happen, is all. I mean there are so many horrible and rude people these days, and I was lucky enough to meet someone like you, who is so nice!”  
  
Kyuhyun’s eyebrows shoot up in response.  
  
“I’m really not a nice person.”  
  
“Yah, how can you say that? I have a knack for spotting nice people. Besides, if you weren’t so nice, would you have come to apologize? To a poor guy who is probably way below your social standing? Hmmm? I can trust people who make a mistake and accept it. A flaw accepted is no flaw at all.”  
  
Kyuhyun’s cheeks flush slightly at the compliment, and from the realization that the man opposite him may not be so dumb after all.  
  
“I’m Cho Kyuhyun,” he holds out his hand for a second time.  
  
The other man actually grabs it this time.  
  
“Lee Donghae. Nice to meet you.”  
  
******  
  
Kyuhyun is running so fast, he’s almost flying, and it would be nothing short of exhilarating if he were out here for fun. His hair is moving backwards with the wind and shielding his eyes but he’s shoving it out with a constant flicking of the head because this is so important. The books and loose papers he has in his arms are threatening to fall out due to Kyuhyun’s speed but he holds on tight, he just needs to get there _now_. Anxiety bubbles up inside him as he pictures the pained expression of disappointment. _Oh god, how did I get so late. I can’t let him down._  
  
And that’s exactly when he collides straight into a teenage boy who was too busy skateboarding with his headphones plugged in to notice him and give him way, sending all the books and pieces of paper flying out onto the road in mayhem. To rub salt in his wounds, Kyuhyun finds himself on the floor whilst the skateboarder swiftly recovers, curses at the fallen one, and runs off.  
  
“FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKBAG! HAVE A TREMENDOUS FUCKING DAY, YOU ASSHOLE BITCH FUCKNUGGET PIECE OF SHIT!” All of Kyuhyun’s anxiety, tension, and frustration boil down aptly into the sentences, and suddenly all the citizens of the world are staring at him. No one comes to help.  
  
It takes him three whole minutes to pick everything up, and throughout the one-hundred-and-eighty seconds all he can think of is how disappointed his friend will be because Kyuhyun couldn’t reach on time to help him. Kyuhyun feels a harrowing sense of shame as he remembers all his previous promises, which are now empty.  
  
_“You mean you can actually help? You can teach me this stuff?”_  
  
_“Yah, Hae-hyung. I’ve studied all this before. I can give you all my notes. I’ll make sure you don’t fail this time. I promise.”_  
  
Kyuhyun remembers how widely Donghae had smiled at that, and how quickly he had jumped into his arms to hug him, and his heart almost shatters right there and then. A quick glance at his watch and he wants the ground to swallow him whole because _fuck, I was meant to be here two hours ago._  
  
Kyuhyun and Donghae have now been friends for just over three months, and the former is still unsure of how to explain the progression of this friendship that he, a university student, has with a fast-food chain employee two years his senior.  
  
All Kyuhyun knows is that ever since he befriended Lee Donghae, he has not felt depressed for even one moment.  
  
Which is why him running desperately towards their meeting spot at the food court two hours later than intended feels like a dick move in itself. Donghae is actually sitting where he is supposed to, sending a wave of simultaneous shock, relief, joy, and guilt into the core of Kyuhyun’s being.  
  
“Dong. Hae. I’m. so. so. so. so. so. So. rry!” Kyuhyun manages to convey whilst panting.  
  
“Ah, Kyuhyunnie. It’s okay.” Donghae flashes his bright smile slowly and weakly, only making Kyuhyun more remorseful. He looks tired for having sat here to wait for so long.  
  
“No. This is not okay. You’ve been off-duty for hours now and I made you wait here. My god, why are you smiling so hard? You know it will just make me feel ten times worse.”  
  
“You must have had a reason for being this late! And no, don’t tell me what to do,” Donghae smiles even wider, now showcasing all his pearly whites and closing his eyes like a two year old would. The chicken hat completes the ridiculous picture and Kyuhyun can’t help but wonder why Donghae would still be wearing that thing.  
  
“Agh, Hae-hyung. I don’t have any excuse. I fell asleep on my couch whilst watching tv, okay? You should be mad.” Kyuhyun hangs his head in shame.  
  
“Kyu, I can’t be mad at you. You’re the only one who would even bother to help me with this. If I pass this time, I’ll owe you everything.”  
  
Kyuhyun can’t help but smile at the shorter one’s honesty, and so they finally settle down with all of the student’s books and notes sprawled out. Donghae gets tutored in that spot for almost three hours that day.  
  
  
******  
  
Kyuhyun remembers the first time Donghae told him about his dreams. The glint in the older man’s eyes and the conviction in his voice could rattle the earth, and Kyuhyun could see inside Donghae something which he never saw when he looked into his own eyes in the mirror. Donghae had a soul, and it was so full of life that Kyuhyun thought one day it would burst into explosive fireworks and mend the broken world through sheer force.  
  
And that’s exactly what Donghae did. He mended Kyuhyun’s broken world.  
  
It was Donghae who taught Kyuhyun how to feel again in the months of their friendship. Maybe it was Donghae’s pure features, or his child-like facial expressions, or his innocent smile that convinced Kyuhyun that this guy could be trusted. Maybe it was the way Donghae looked at Kyuhyun knowingly, and it convinced Kyuhyun that Donghae did know how empty Kyuhyun was on the inside, because Donghae would never say it out loud. He just always knew when to hug Kyuhyun at the right time; to look into his eyes the right way so that there was never a need for unnecessary and empty words.  
  
It was like he knew about all of Kyuhyun’s Levels, and actually understood them.  
  
And that was the difference. Kyuhyun had had many friends in his life who cared for him: people like Siwon who would rush to his aid if he so much as blinked a signal. But it was when Kyuhyun was at his worst did he need someone to do just the right thing. He needed someone to not question him, to not say anything, but just let him know that they knew too, just how he was feeling. Most of all, he needed the last part to be wholly genuine. When Donghae looked at Kyuhyun, all these boxes were ticked, and he didn’t feel so alone.  
  
Donghae’s laughter was so fucking contagious, too.  
  
And being around that laughter made Kyuhyun forget about the gaping silence that had robbed his peace for what had seemed like a painful eternity. Kyuhyun, who had always been jealous of happy people, came to admire Donghae’s happy disposition, and actually fed off it. He found himself genuinely laughing at the things Donghae said and did, even the lame things, and he realized he wanted to feel that happiness forever and ever.  
  
Which is why he was willing to help Donghae in anything and everything, in order to repay him, and most importantly, to keep him. When Donghae had told him that he was training to be a football player at the local academy, Kyuhyun wished him nothing but the best, and hoped that he would get scouted.  
  
“But I can’t take my remaining training sessions until I pass my exams,” and with those words the twinkle in his eyes momentarily blinked out, threatening havoc to Kyuhyun’s peace of mind.  
  
Kyuhyun probed him with questions, and Donghae explained the fact that the academy required for all their players to pass their high school exams before a certain stage in their training. Donghae for the past two years had been so focused on his game that oftentimes he just ignored and avoided his exams because he didn’t have time to study, the other times actually taking the exams and failing them in tremendously epic fashion.  
  
“I actually scored a -5 in Biology last time,” Donghae stated plainly, “because the teacher who checked the exam got really angry at one of my answers. I think I also didn’t spell my name right on that one.”  
  
Kyuhyun wanted to scream out of secondhand embarrassment, but stopped himself when Donghae’s body sagged like a burst balloon.  
  
“My Appa says he will only let me try the exams one last time. If I fail again, he will stop paying for my training and I’ll have to fend on my own. That’s why I took up this job, so I can save up because I don’t know how to pass these exams. Kyuhyun-ah, I really don’t know what to do.”  
  
This was the first time Kyuhyun had seen the cheerful Donghae so absolutely defeated. And so he vowed to Donghae that he would tutor him and teach him everything he knew. His perfect record from high school would certainly not go to waste.  
  
“You mean you can actually help? You can teach me this stuff?”  
  
“Yah, Hae-hyung. I’ve studied all this before. I can give you all my notes. I’ll make sure you don’t fail this time. I promise.”  
  
Donghae hugged his savior so hard that the latter almost choked, causing all sorts of people in the food court to pause their eating and stare at them for a few moments.  
  
******  
  
“I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, KYUHYUN-AAAAH!”  
  
Kyuhyun’s eyes grow wide and he turns his head in different directions to zone into the spot from where the instantly recognizable voice is coming from. _How the fuck did he manage to find me here?_  
  
Donghae helps Kyuhyun’s search mission out by continuing to scream.  
  
“KYU-SSI! HERE! I’M HERE! AND I LOVE YOUUUUUU.”  
  
And Kyuhyun finally sees him, jumping and waving excitedly underneath, with a conspicuous piece of paper in his hands. Kyuhyun is on campus, sitting with his friends in the rooftop area, whilst Donghae is on the ground floor. Kyuhyun pushes himself against the railing so he can address his friend, whilst Siwon and Hyukjae laugh loudly in the background.  
  
“Hae-hyung?! What’s up? You trying to embarrass me or something?”  
  
“HUH?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU KYU. WHAT ARE YOU SAYI--, AH WHATEVER. KYU, I CAME TO TELL YOU THAT I PASSED! I PASSED MY EXAMS! I PASSED I PASSED I PASSED I--”  
  
Donghae’s lost all control of his sane body because he’s broken into a melange of jumping, shouting, squealing, and dancing. As he goes crazy in that one spot, students all around him pretend he is the plague and stare him down. Some look up at Kyuhyun accusingly, as if to give signals to the maknae to do something about his special friend who has just publicly proclaimed his love for him.  
  
To make things more comical, Donghae is in his work clothes. _Th_ _at_ _fucking_ _hat_.

  
“I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT, LEE DONGHAE! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. WE’LL CELEBRATE TONIGHT!” Kyuhyun cheers, trying to hide his face from the onlookers, and as a result Donghae finally halts the crazy dancing show. He looks up at Kyuhyun with his killer bright smile, flashes him a heart sign with his hands which Kyuhyun imagines could melt a billion females’ hearts at once, and then runs off back to his workplace.  
  
Kyuhyun finds himself smiling throughout his double Calculus class, a feat he thought was unimaginable before today. He rushes to the food court the instant he is free so he can encapsulate Donghae into a loving embrace he so deserves.  
  
And they do hug, a lot, that night. Sixteen times to be exact, because Kyuhyun starts counting and he doesn’t know why. Some of the hugs are short, but the ones Kyuhyun really cherishes are the ones in which Hae nuzzles his head into Kyuhyun’s shoulder mumbling words of gratitude and appreciation and awe and wonder, all at the same time.  
  
Donghae keeps thanking Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun keeps telling Donghae how proud he is of him. And neither of the two idiots can stop smiling for even a second.  
  
The rest of their ‘celebration in the food court’ night is a haze to Kyuhyun when he gets back home. He remembers Donghae letting him sneak some fried chicken out of the kitchen for free. He remembers Donghae’s full laugh, and his soul-crushingly beautiful smile. He remembers him constantly saying the words “I love you” and “I love you so much” in almost every sentence. He remembers Donghae dramatically flinging off his chicken hat and throwing it across the setting in victory because he no longer needed to work for _Fried Chicks_. He remembers Donghae ranting about his football and all that he was going to be able to do and accomplish now, and how hard he was going to work.  
  
“You’re the reason I passed. I won’t let you down, Kyu.”  
  
Kyuhyun feels butterflies in his stomach again when he touches the imprint Donghae left on his right cheek.  
  
Kissing people of the same sex on the cheek to say thanks? _Yah, that’s Lee Donghae for you._  
  
******  
  
Donghae craves to be the center of attention.  
  
Even when he was a kid, he found small excuses to jump up on the dining table in his house and dance until every one of his family members were looking at him. Whether his Appa would join in the dancing or scold him until he cried didn’t matter. All Donghae needed was the attention.  
  
He doesn’t care if it’s shallow, but the primary reason why he wants to play football is so that a million eyes are on him all at once. He wants that power, to control thousands in a stadium and command them to watch him. He wants to show the world his wonders; he needs the world to see them.  
  
But it’s frustrating that despite these high ambitions, Donghae can’t seem to control the one pair of eyes which he so desperately wants to be on him forever.  
  
He doesn’t know when exactly he fell in love with Cho Kyuhyun; it’s not like he woke up one morning and realized that the university student was the most beautiful specimen he had seen in his life. It was more gradual, and far more profound.  
  
But then again, you could say it was love at first sight. That strange night when a haphazard young boy with no direction walked into Donghae’s life, he looked into his eyes and saw how broken he was. How empty he was. How completely helpless he looked. And in that moment, Lee Donghae decided that he would do anything and everything to fix him. But then Kyuhyun ran away, and Donghae moved on.  
  
When Kyuhyun met Donghae for the second time, the latter went home and prayed to thank any God that was above him for giving him a second chance. He promised himself that he wouldn’t let Kyuhyun go until the broken pieces inside him were mended, and he promised himself that it would be him who would mend them.  
  
But today, Donghae is showing none of that calm resolve. He is choking back tears as he pedals fiercely on his bike in the dark of the night, thinking the worst. _He doesn’t need me anymore._  
  
_But isn’t that what you wanted? To fix him, and then let him go?_  
  
Donghae could never figure out why Kyuhyun kept showing up to the food court during his shift-break, but he never wanted him to stop. They would meet like secret lovers, in that one spot on that one table, almost everyday just to chat. Donghae liked the secret lover analogy, and soon found himself staring at his maknae for just a second longer than he was supposed to. Kyuhyun was so complex, and Donghae wanted, no, needed to deconstruct him. He fell in love with Kyuhyun’s eyes, which were hiding his unexpected wisdom coupled with a desire to see more than what was in his view. He fell in love with his intelligence, and came to admire it because it was something he knew he could never have. He fell in love with his pale skin, which covered the internal scars that Donghae was trying so hard to heal. He fell in love with his voice, which was so clear and strong, Donghae thought it could shift the Earth’s tectonic plates and cause havoc. He also fell in love with his ass, because well, it was absolutely glorious.  
  
It only took a week for them to exchange phone numbers. A month for Kyuhyun to give Donghae a copy of his university entry card so he could come see him practicing his singing in the music room during his free time. Two months for Kyuhyun to convince Donghae to let him come and watch him training at the academy, because the latter was no longer nervous around the former.  
  
Donghae’s vision becomes fuzzy as the physical tears form and he wants to explode right then and there.  
  
_But I need him now._  
  
_I need him to be mine forever._  
  
He speedily halts the bike as the view of Kyuhyun’s house focuses in his dim vision. There are at least twenty people swarming around the outside of the house, most of them trying to make their way in. Loud music is playing through every window.  
  
As Donghae walks into Kyuhyun’s front lawn, he feels futile as he has no plan in mind or any idea of how to proceed next. There’s no way he is going inside the house since he hasn’t been invited to this party, but not going in to confront the guy he loves will make his long bike ride a complete waste, and only increase his emotional turmoil exponentially.  
  
Maybe it’s his lucky day, but he spots someone he can recognize: Kyuhyun’s tall friend, Siwon. He walks up to him confidently and pats his shoulder, ready to settle things once and for all.  
  
“Siwon? Hey, um, where is Kyuhyun? I need to talk to him.”  
  
“Eh? Who are you...?” Siwon peers at him closely until he recognizes, “Oh. It’s _you_. Kyuhyun’s probably inside somewhere. Call him on his phone or something.”  
  
“No. You don’t understand!” The tears are actually rolling out of Donghae’s eyes now, much to Siwon’s horror, “He hasn’t been answering my calls, or texts. Please, Siwon. Please, tell him to come outside and meet me here.”  
  
“Okay, okay. Dude, calm down. I’ll go get him,” Siwon holds out his hands in defeat, then runs inside the house.  
  
The next few minutes feel more like painstakingly long and horrible years, as everything that’s happened in the past month plays out in Donghae’s mind so vividly that his head aches.  
  
Just when Donghae had thought he had gotten close to his beloved Kyu, the young one disappeared on him and refused to come back. He stopped showing up to watch Hae practice, he stopped answering calls or texts and he was never at home when Donghae came to ask if he was alright. He even tried to go find him at university, but the card he had was suddenly “restricted from access”. Donghae would anxiously watch each face on every street in the hopes that one would have pale skin and beautiful eyes and shaggy dark hair. But Kyuhyun never appeared. And Donghae prayed every night, begging for Kyuhyun to be alright wherever he was in whatever he was doing.  
  
It was when Donghae had heard murmurs of a grand party being thrown at the very Cho Kyuhyun’s house did he realize the heart shattering truth.  
  
_He doesn’t need me anymore._  
  
As the shaggy haired tall mess walks out of his abode timidly, Donghae’s heart rises in his throat and he forgets anything horrible he could ever think of in the past hour or so.  
  
“Kyuhyunnie!” He would feel embarrassed at running towards the guy who has been purposely ignoring him for weeks, but he’s just so happy and relieved to see him that he can’t control himself.  
  
Donghae doesn’t know what to expect when he touches Kyuhyun but one thing’s for sure. He doesn’t expect him to burst into tears.  
  
So when he does, Donghae’s motherly instincts kick in and he holds Kyuhyun to gently shush him. He asks if they can go inside to a quiet place to talk, and as Kyuhyun bawls his eyes out he manages to nod an affirmative. They go in hand in hand with Donghae leading the way.  
  
When they have safely reached the basement and locked themselves into one of the guest bedrooms, Donghae sits Kyuhyun down and calms him down first. Only once his maknae is in a reasonably stable emotional state does he begin the questions. The loud bass from upstairs is muffled enough for them to be hearing each other clearly.  
  
“Kyu, why are you crying? If you don’t want me to be here this bad, then I’ll leave.”  
  
“N-no! Don’t leave! I want you here!” There is a desperation in his tone that Donghae can’t recognize.  
  
“Oh, Kyuhyunnie, why have you been ignoring me for so long? I was so worried.”  
  
Kyuhyun doesn’t reply; merely hangs his head in his hands as if he is ashamed.  
  
“Kyu, I’ve been so hurt. I came to this house so many times to check up on you but your Umma always sent me away saying you weren’t at home. She never told me where you went. I just wanted to know you were okay, Kyu. And now you throw this party--”  
  
“This wasn’t me! This was Hyukkie’s idea, I swear! I had nothing to do with it!” Kyuhyun justifies, with tears brimming in his eyes once more.  
  
“But why? I just don’t understand anything that’s happening. Are you okay, Kyu?”  
  
“No,” Kyuhyun starts truthfully, and Donghae can see he is struggling to formulate his thoughts into words, “I’m not okay, Donghae-ssi. Ever since we met, I’ve been so happy. Fuck, I’ve never felt this happy in my life and just, oh my god. I didn’t want it to end. I just, wanted to be happy forever, Hae-hyung. But then. But then I started feeling so much whenever you were around, and I didn’t know. I didn’t know what it meant. I’d never felt anything before that, y’know? And I just didn’t want anything to end but I knew. I knew I was wrong and I knew you didn’t feel the same way and I knew. I knew I knew I knew, that all those weird feelings, you wouldn’t know how to react. You wouldn’t reciprocate. And it would break my heart, Donghae. I didn’t want you to break my heart so I avoided you and left. Because I’m a selfish son of a bitch and I’m so sorry. And--” Kyuhyun’s crying really hard now and it’s hard to keep up with his ranting, but Donghae manages to understand.  
  
“Kyuhyun, I love you,” Donghae interrupts and says with such force that he can feel his jaw clench.  
  
“I know you love me, but Donghae listen, I--” 

“No, Kyuhyun. You listen. I _love_ you.”  
  
Kyuhyun stops dead in his tracks, and his mouth is left partially open, like a little child who has just seen the toy of his dreams at the toystore.  
  
“You _love_... _me_? Why?”  
  
“I love you, Kyuhyun. And you’re the biggest idiot in the universe but I love you. How many times did I tell you in these past four months that I loved you? How many times did I hug you and kiss you on the cheeks till you got the hint? You think I don’t reciprocate but it’s only because you adore living in your bubble of self-hate and denial. And look at you now, you still don’t get it do you?”  
  
Kyuhyun wouldn’t have believed those words had he not been staring directly into Donghae’s honest eyes at that moment. Kyuhyun knows there are no lies here, and he wants to run upstairs and party with the rest of his friends to celebrate his good fortune.  
  
But obviously, he has something way more exciting to do right now.  
  
Kyuhyun had forgotten how beautiful Donghae really was as he moves on from the eyes to scan the rest of the face. His impeccable facial structure makes Kyuhyun internally swoon, but he decides to rest his eyes on those pretty, pink lips that have uttered the words that Kyuhyun would have killed to hear just a few hours ago. Kyuhyun can’t help but notice that Donghae isn’t looking into his eyes anymore, either.  
  
The maknae pulls his hyung into a kiss, and as their tear-stained wet faces collide, the older lets out an appreciative sound which makes Kyuhyun’s head spin. Donghae retaliates by deepening the kiss, letting Kyuhyun have a full taste of his soft mouth. The young one doesn’t think he has ever been more in love as he teases Donghae with his tongue and literally tastes strawberries and cream in the other’s mouth. Mmm, of course he would taste this good.  
  
“I lub you too, Hae-Yung,” Kyuhyun gurgles out with his mouth still attached to the other’s.    
  
Kyuhyun can feel Donghae smiling into his lips at the words, and so takes full advantage of the positive reaction to hold the aspiring footballer by his sturdy waist to bring their bodies closer. He finally lets go of the older one’s mouth so he can kiss and nip at the nape of his neck with feverish force, as if his life depends on it. Donghae lets a throaty moan escape him at the unexpected action from the maknae, and decides to indulge in his own desires by grabbing at the exceptional ass he has been admiring from afar for months.  
  
Before they can fully comprehend what they are doing to each other, there are messy piles of their clothes on the floor, and Kyuhyun has pinned his lover to the bed as he takes his scent in and proceeds to kiss him again ferociously. Kyuhyun internally marvels at the contrasting nature of Donghae’s naked body, which is both firmly strong and soft; warm under his touch. Donghae’s in sync moaning throughout their make-out session is like a symphony to Kyuhyun’s ears, and it drives him to just want him, want him and have him all now right this second.  
  
Kyuhyun puts his thoughts into concrete action by massaging his right hand into Donghae’s chest, tracing a slow line across his abs and down to his belly button. Donghae’s breathing gets heavy in response and he jerks up, extricating his mouth from the wrestling match it is having with Kyuhyun’s, much to the latter’s horror.  
  
“D-D-Donghae-ssi?”  
  
For a second, it almost seems as if there is an expression of fear on Donghae’s face, but it disappears as soon as it comes, when Donghae breaks into one of his cute smiles.  
  
_“You’re my honey bunch, sugar plum, pumpie-umpie-umpkin! You’re my sweetie pie--”_  
  
Kyuhyun raises his left eyebrow in confusion, or at least to make Donghae understand that he has probably broken all the rules of how to foreplay.  
  
“Are you, singing me the Cuppy Cake song right before we are about to have sex?”  
  
Donghae ignores him and shuts his eyes tight to scream at the top of his lungs,  
  
_“YOU’RE THE APPLE OF MY EYE! AND I LOOOVE YOU SO, AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW, THAT I’LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT HERE--”_  
  
“Donghae, what the FUCK?! What are you doing?!”  
  
“I’m throwing you off-guard, my sweet maknae,” and a millisecond later Kyuhyun finds himself being roughly thrown over the other direction, and suddenly, Donghae’s the one on top of the student.  
  
“You think I would let you top me, Kyuhyun-ah?” Donghae chuckles and resumes the kissing.  
  
Kyuhyun, still in a bit of shock, decides to stop thinking and just go with it, as he allows his Donghae to take full control and melts away under his hold. Donghae’s right hand is still groping at Kyuhyun’s ass, but his left makes its way down to Kyuhyun’s pulsating junk, at which Kyuhyun squeals with delight into Donghae’s face.  
  
“Easy, tiger. Don’t get excited so quickly.”  
  
“Fuck. Just do it, Hae.”  
  
Hae doesn’t need to be told twice as he immerses himself into Kyuhyun’s slim, naked body. He trails down with his mouth by awarding sweet kisses to Kyuhyun on his neck, urged on by the latter’s moaning which becomes progressively louder with each potent touch and movement.  
  
Kyuhyun almost wants to start crying again, because as he breathes him in, Donghae smells so good. Like mint and chocolate and honey-flavored lip balm all at once. Everything about him is perfection: from the cute little mole on his neck, to the dark brown bangs of his hair that are almost covering his eyes now, to his ripped as fuck body. _Oh my god, he’s on top of me, he’s doing things to my body_. Kyuhyun’s mind is a completely jumbled mess, and as he’s reveling in the mirth and delight of the moment; all he knows for sure is that he doesn’t want to go back to whatever and wherever that back was.  
  
Donghae’s traveling down Kyuhyun’s body now, leaving a path of kisses and licks where deemed appropriate, probably by his own twisted standards. He jerks his hips closer to Kyuhyun’s who responds similarly, but the maknae then loses complete track of Donghae’s position until he feels the soft lips make a connection with his skin right below the belly button.  
  
“Hae, you gonna do it or no?” Kyuhyun manages to say weakly, because he is so hot and bothered by now that it is hard to look up at the ceiling and convince himself that the paint is still white.  
  
“Mmm, you want it?” Donghae teases, “Well you’ll have to say my name first.”  
  
“Dong-hae.” Kyuhyun abruptly blurts out the two syllables. He can’t take the sexual tension anymore.  
  
“Yah, not like that, Kyu! Say it sexier, with that voice I love so much,” Donghae sounds like he is a spoilt pre-adolescent kid demanding extra pocket money from his parents.  
  
“Hae-hyung why’re you playing with meeee?” Kyuhyun whines, and the whine almost turns into a howl when Donghae licks Kyuhyun’s slit.  
  
Kyuhyun tries his best then, to say Donghae’s name in the most melodic way possible. There’s no chance in hell that Donghae would deny that he’s extremely turned on by the sound, and so wraps his mouth around Kyuhyun’s cock to reward him.  
  
Kyuhyun inappropriately wonders if this is what Heaven would feel like, and he can do nothing but grab Donghae’s hair with both his hands, nudge his body a little back and forth, and of course repeatedly chant out the name.  
  
Donghae is urged on by each perfect note that Kyuhyun lets out, and he is trying hard to stay in control everytime he hears his name. But soon, Kyuhyun’s voice evades him too as Donghae makes him come; Donghae is so fucking skilled with his warm and elastic tongue that Kyuhyun is forced to internally question whether the older man has done this before. All of Kyuhyun’s energy leaks out as Donghae gives him everything he has, and before Kyuhyun knows it the other man is back in his view, kissing him softly with his now sore, red mouth.  
  
When Donghae decides he is done, he rolls over until the two are side by side, now both staring at the ceiling. Kyuhyun grabs Donghae’s hand and positions his head so that it is resting on the other’s shoulder.  
  
“Ithoughtweweregonnafuck,” Kyuhyun hasn’t regained control of his breathing yet.  
  
“Yah, don’t be so greedy. We’ll take this slow. I don’t want you to be sick of me in one night,” Donghae’s smiling playfully whilst stating this, with his tongue visible just outside the left side of his mouth. Kyuhyun wants to lick him.  
  
“Kyuhyun,” Donghae whispers after a few moments of silence, “you know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, right?”  
  
“Hmm?” Kyuhyun is tired and the words don’t really hit home. His eyelids start to get heavy as he pushes his body into Donghae’s to get some warmth.  
  
“I mean it, Kyu. I’d pull the stars down from the heavens to fill your empty skies. I’m yours forever, okay?”  
  
“Really? Did you make that up just now?” Kyuhyun chuckles, trying to restrain a louder laugh at the super cheesy lines.  
  
“You’re laughing now, but it’s true. I just want you to be happy. Promise me you’ll be happy, now that you have me, and I have you. And you’re never ever allowed to ignore me again, okay?”  
  
“Hmm, okay. I promise.”  
  
And as Kyuhyun falls asleep on his shoulder, Donghae smiles so widely and so brightly that the gesture could arguably illuminate an entire football stadium. This is a new beginning, for both of them, and Donghae knows he has succeeded so perfectly that now him and his love can be together and both find the happiness they need and crave. Everything is absolutely perfect.  
  
It is almost too good to be true.  
  
******  
  
_I’m yours forever, eh? That asshole._  
  
Kyuhyun’s the one furiously pedaling his bike now, entirely a ball of anger and frustration. He feels so angry at Donghae that he doesn’t know how to deal with the emotion, an emotion he has never felt ever since he seriously started caring for his boyfriend. More still, he’s livid at himself for making the effort to go to the guy’s house. It is only when he reaches the humble little home of the Lee family does his anger become instantly replaced with a grim sense of shock.  
  
Donghae and Kyuhyun had their first serious fight just over fourteen hours ago.  
  
And it was probably the stupidest first serious fight in the history of all the relationships in the world.  
  
Donghae had come over to Kyuhyun’s house, who insisted they play _Counter Strike_ , because that was the only game Donghae wasn’t hopeless at, and begged Donghae to actually try and not lose on purpose this time just for the sake of “not hurting Kyuhyun’s feelings”. Kyuhyun probed the older on by telling him that he could whoop his footballer ass at video games anyway. This resulted in Donghae “accidentally” breaking the game controller, and Kyuhyun getting unnaturally irate and screaming at Donghae until he of course, got extremely emotional and began to shed fat tears.  
  
“I’m not crying because you screamed. I’m crying because you love that controller more than you love me.”  
  
Kyuhyun sighed so hard that the wind eruption out of his lungs could probably shift the entire Himalayan mountain range by at least an inch.  
  
“For fuck’s sake, Hae, shut up. Man, you’re such a fucking drama queen.”  
  
At which Donghae decided to dramatically leave the house, to prove that he was precisely anything but a drama queen.  
  
Just to drill the fact that he wasn’t a drama queen into the maknae’s head, Donghae ignored the eleven missed calls and sixteen text messages from Kyuhyun for the next twelve hours.  
  
_[23:38] - DONGHAE YOU ASS._  
  
_[23:41] - WHY ARE YOU MAD?!?!? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO BROKE IT._  
  
_[00:24] - I know you’re dying to reply. So just do it._  
  
_[1:01] - Hae?_  
  
_[1:02] - SO YOU WON’T EVEN PICK UP MY CALLS?!_  
  
_[1:02] - Why did you leave like that? Ugh you’re an idiot._  
  
_[1:03] - REPLY, MOTHERFUCKER._  
  
_[1:03] - So this is what your silent treatment is like?_  
  
_[1:04] - Why the fuck am I still texting._  
  
_[2:58] - Donghae. I can’t sleep._  
  
_[2:59] - Are you mad? Don’t be mad._  
  
_[3:00] - Please._  
  
_[3:27] - Okay. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have screamed. I’m really sorry. I love you way more than the controller. I’ll buy a new one, and we won’t play that game again okay? At least not until you’re ready. Now please reply._  
  
_[3:29] - Okay nevermind. You’re probably asleep. But reply in the morning okay? Ily x_  
  
_[10:34] - LEE DONGHAE? I send you an x and you’re still giving me your bitchy silent treatment?! THIS ISN’T EVEN A BIG DEAL AND YOU’RE MAKING IT A BIG DEAL AND YOU’RE A DRAMA QUEEN I HATE YOU BYEEEE_  
  
_[11:56] - Still not saying anything? Well both of us can play that game then._  
  
Kyuhyun smugly smiled to himself as he sent the last text. If Donghae was going to throw a hissy fit over something so small, he could retaliate.  
  
But only for a couple of hours.  
  
Because that’s when his anxiety started to kick in, and he realized that he had to be the bigger person and go see Donghae and apologize or else lose the one person in the world who made him genuinely happy. And he hated himself for giving in because his stupid ego was important to him. As he rode his bicycle to Donghae’s house he did hate himself because he had given in, but more so because he realized what a truly horrible person he was for screaming at Donghae enough to make him cry.  
  
When Kyuhyun stops in front of Donghae’s house, he feels his stomach twist into a million contortions as he sees the procession of morbid looking cars parked outside. He sees a stranger couple walking into the front door that he himself has gone through so many times, wearing formal black clothes, sending the sound of a thousand warning alarms blazing through Kyuhyun’s head.  
  
He edges closer to the house, and his fears heighten as he begins to hear a collective wailing and crying noise from within the walls. How he is managing to remain calm is something he cannot understand, as he temporarily halts the disturbing onslaught of worst thoughts and possibilities from circulating within his mind. He can only do it for so long until his mind goes over the edge and he starts picturing the worst possible scenarios that make him want to collapse on the floor and throw up in his own mouth.  
  
Kyuhyun enters the house in a daze and without invitation; his mind has gone so far out that he doesn’t care if he is being rude or not. He glances around the painfully subdued havoc of the living room where there are people from all walks of life wearing black dresses and black suits: to mourn. Many are crying; but all have a wrung out morose expression on their faces. Some are consoling, some are being consoled. Kyuhyun doesn’t care. He doesn’t take more than a second to look and register each face so he can find the one that’s his; healthy, alive, breathing. _Don’t let this be his fucking funeral, oh god_.  
  
His heart has decided to travel up to his throat, and threatens to implode and shatter right there as Kyuhyun continues to scan faces but doesn’t find Donghae’s. He’s shaking so hard that he doesn’t think he is physically capable of holding his nerve anymore.  
  
And then he sees him.  
  
Donghae’s standing and alive, and Kyuhyun almost starts whooping with joy before considering that he is still at someone’s funeral. Donghae’s standing at the edge of the room away from every other person, almost as if he is disgusted and doesn’t want anything to do with them or whatever is happening in his own home. He’s not crying, but when Kyuhyun peers at his face closely, he wishes he could run out of here and just jump off of a cliff because ending it all right now would be better than watching this. The cheerful Donghae has dark circles under his swollen eyes; the skin on his face looks dry, pale, and stretched. Worst of all, the expression on his face is the same one that Kyuhyun used to look at everyday when he woke up to brush his teeth.  
  
Confused. Broken. _Empty_.  
  
As strong as the urge to just run away is for Kyuhyun, he instinctively crushes the idea and makes his way towards the man he loves. Donghae catches Kyuhyun in his vision before they are at close-range, and the latter’s heart almost breaks when he sees Donghae looking into his eyes and for the first time not showcasing a single sentiment. Donghae’s mouth doesn’t move into his usual smile, or even into a playful frown. His lips remain fixed in that scary horizontal line of nothingness. It’s like Donghae is soulless.  
  
“Donghae?” Kyuhyun fearfully whimpers out his favorite name in the universe, completely scared of what he will get as a response.  
  
“Kyuhyun,” Donghae says in a flat tone, almost as if he doesn’t recognize the boy in front of him. Kyuhyun actually might just reconsider the jumping off of a cliff option.  
  
But then Donghae’s expression suddenly changes, and it’s as if the gravitational pull got stronger to drag all of his features downwards. His eyes droop, and his mouth goes into a frown. When Kyuhyun sees his eyes, it’s almost like they are screaming from within, _Help me, Kyu! Help!_ Donghae’s outward expressions are however, subject to some sort of pause button, and he cannot physically showcase what he is feeling on the inside anymore.  
  
So Kyuhyun pulls his hyung into a hug, and Donghae just melts into Kyuhyun’s body by squishing his face against his shoulder and holding on so tight that Kyuhyun’s back might break.  
  
“Appa... Appa’s gone,” and Kyuhyun can feel wetness on his shoulder from Donghae’s now emerging tears.  
  
Kyuhyun doesn’t cry; he stays strong and holds Donghae’s hand for the next few hours.  
  
When the rest of the mourners are gone, Kyuhyun takes his leave too, so as to give Donghae some space with his mother and brother.  
  
That night, he can’t sleep, because Donghae’s expressionless face is playing like a horror film in his mind. He tosses and turns on his bed, until he hears his phone buzz near midnight time.  
  
The text is from Donghae.  
  
Kyuhyun wants to end himself as he sees all the messages he sent to poor Hae last night again, but then looks at the recent most important one that he’s received, and for the second time in the day he feels the insides of his stomach twist like ribbons.  
  
_kyu? can i cm over_  
  
He hastily types out an “Of course.” and then waits. For almost two hours.  
  
Just when he thinks that Donghae must have changed his mind and won’t actually come, he hears a labored and slow knock on the front door. He scrams to unlock it and let Donghae in.  
  
Donghae is still wearing the funeral suit, but this is in complete paradox to his emotional state, because he is visibly shaking.  
  
“K-K-Kyu. Kyu, I. I-I-I couldn’t stay there,” the pain and fear in his voice is so audible that it makes the listener want to curl up in a ball and cry.  
  
Kyuhyun pulls him in to embrace him and tells him that it’s okay. He promptly takes him up to his room, takes off his suit jacket, and puts his biggest; warmest blanket around him, giving him a reassuring kiss on his forehead.  
  
Kyuhyun tries his hardest then, to be the best person he can be so he can be there for his Donghae. He makes him some hot chocolate, gently caresses his face every five minutes, hugs him whenever the other’s face contorts and threatens to shed tears again, and continuously tells him that he is there for him. What else can he do besides that?  
  
Donghae stops shaking soon after the hot chocolate, which he gulps down a little too quickly. He doesn’t say or do anything, because he is just so physically and emotionally tired. There doesn’t seem a point to anything anymore.  
  
“Hae, please try to sleep. Your eyes are swollen.”  
  
“Hmm,” Donghae replies with half open, dejected eyes. He’s rocking back and forth as if he is going to collapse from sleep deprivation.  
  
“You want to change into something comfy? I have extra pajamas.”  
  
“No. Kyu, come here please.”  
  
Kyuhyun stops rummaging in his closet for PJ’s, and plants himself on the bed so he is face to face with Donghae, caught off guard by the first proper sentence that the older has managed to say since he got here. The man looks absolutely spent.  
  
“Thanks for letting me stay, Kyu.”  
  
Despite the shit going on, Kyuhyun can’t help but grin at the surprising words. He also can’t help it as he goes in to kiss his boyfriend, who kisses back slowly and sweetly with all the strength he can muster. It is at this moment that Kyuhyun realizes just how much he loves Donghae, and how much he would be willing to do for him. He pulls away with a sudden urge to convey the message.  
  
“Donghae-ah, I’ll fill your empty skies with stars again. I promise,” the words stumble out so quickly that the speaker shrinks back, afraid that he’s come across as insincere.  
  
Donghae weakly smiles in response.  
  
“But first, let me find those damn pajamas!”  
  
Kyuhyun remembers how he dumped them in his bathroom cupboard, so he runs off to check. By the time he’s back, Donghae is sprawled on his bed in his dress shirt and pants, snoring lightly. He looks just like a baby.  
  
Kyuhyun ditches the PJ’s; squishes himself between Donghae and the wall on his small bed. He wraps his arms around Donghae, who now seems to be as fragile as glass, and he feels his eyelids closing automatically whilst his mind drifts into sleep.  
  
******  
  
The recovery process is long, and completely haphazard.  
  
More honestly, Kyuhyun knows that Donghae will never fully recover, because there’s now a viable part of him missing which can never be brought back.  
  
Even after six months, the shining brightness in Hae’s eyes has remained dwindled, his laughter a little less full, his smiles just that little bit weaker. Kyuhyun tries his best to ignore these deficiencies so as to cushion the fall of his heart which threatens to shatter everytime he notices Donghae’s missing pieces, but it’s hard for him to do so.  
  
When his father passed away, Donghae was forced to halt his training and resume working at _Fried Chicks_ so he could save up enough money to continue his dreams and support his mother. Kyuhyun would feel cheated by Donghae’s enthusiasm and optimism despite his bleak circumstances; the former knew deep down that Donghae was only encircling himself in a financial trap with no way out, and setting himself up for disappointment. He had begged him to think more rationally, but didn’t want to jeopardize his relationship by pushing him to do things he didn’t want to.  
  
“Hae, you can’t support yourself with such a small job. Please, Hae, listen to me.”  
  
“Kyuhyun, I know what I’m doing. I’m a grown man,” Donghae had stated almost accusingly, making Kyuhyun shiver.  
  
“You could come to college with me. On loan. You could pay it back after you got a great degree and a great job. Hae, it would be perfect,” Kyuhyun pleaded for the billionth time.  
  
“I couldn’t even pass my high school exams, you think I can study at college level? Plus, that would mean me giving up on football. Kyu, I’m not giving up football, okay? Appa wouldn’t want that,” Donghae retorted with tears welling up in his eyes. He was totally adamant, and Kyuhyun hoped to god that his boyfriend was doing the right thing.  
  
And that was the end of it.  
  
Kyuhyun even offered Donghae his own savings, but of course that went against the older’s pride, and he refused any financial help point blank. He didn’t want any of Kyuhyun’s aid in this regard.  
  
But he craved it in the emotional aspect, and milked it all out of his young lover, every time the sun went down.  
  
Donghae came to Kyuhyun’s house every single night since his father’s funeral. He found he could no longer go to sleep in his own room because he felt completely helplessly shattered and insecure in the setting: a lonely mess who had no shelter to hide from the memories of what he had lost and how much of a turn his life had taken. He had tried to, once or twice, but the new gaping emptiness to life itself became so frightening that he would always jump out of his bed, scared and alone, and run to his only safety in the world left.  
  
Kyuhyun noticed that there were two kinds of nights. What was similar about the two was that Donghae would always appear at his front door at almost midnight, clutching his phone with one hand tightly, as if scared to let go and watch his belonging be smothered by some sort of pitiless black hole. Kyuhyun would grab his other hand and take him up to his room, and then it could go either way.  
  
Half the time, Donghae would just cry. He would sink his head into Kyuhyun’s shoulder, be held, and bawl his eyes out throughout the night. Kyuhyun would not know what to do except to hold him and listen to him wailing like a child, feeling his insides twisting horrifically at every sound, and a large stone slowly sinking in his stomach, until Donghae would get so utterly exhausted he would cry himself to sleep and become a limp and lifeless weight on the younger’s body.  
  
Other times, Donghae would get playful. He would kiss Kyuhyun passionately against his study desk, in the bathroom, on the bed. Then he would lace his fingers into Kyuhyun’s and smirk at him teasingly and they would tip toe into the basement hand-in-hand at 3am to fuck each other’s brains out. Kyuhyun loved these nights, not just because Donghae was extremely hot and extremely good at fucking him, or because he would say his name so stupidly and innocently when he would, in his words, “climax”, or because he would touch him in inappropriate places so skillfully it would all just feel so _right_. It was because when Kyuhyun’s naked body would be underneath his beloved’s, Donghae would actually smile openly and laugh fully. Kyuhyun could see his feelings completely raw and out in the open like old times, and he cherished it. When they would be done each night, completely breathless, without energy, and laying next to each other, exposed to each other wholly and unconditionally both physically and emotionally, Donghae would crack a stupid joke, or lock lips with Kyuhyun like a little girl timidly kissing her crush for the first time. It would all be so perfect and childlike that both males would temporarily forget their traumas and fall asleep blissfully in each other’s arms.  
  
Kyuhyun would give anything for all their nights to take place in the basement. But they don’t.  
  
He can’t help but be subtly aware of the now ensuing paradoxical nature of their relationship unfold before him. In many ways, since the death, they have become closer. Kyuhyun knows that out of all the people in the world, Donghae trusts him the most; he can see it in his eyes everytime he comes home to him when it gets dark outside. In a way, they are now one in their own personal bubble shielded from the world, because they both understand each other’s pasts and presents completely, and it’s almost like their emotions are bound together. Sometimes Kyuhyun thinks that that’s it, he knows absolutely everything about Donghae because he has looked inside his soul and seen him go through it all, and vice versa, and for some reason it makes him feel good.  
  
But then there are these moments, so unfiltered and raw and downright scary, that make Kyuhyun question absolutely everything. Like when you glance at the mirror and you think you see a shadow that’s not yours, or a figure appear in the corner of your eye and when you blink and look closer it’s gone. Sometimes when he looks at Donghae he can’t recognize him, because of his newly etched dark circles, or the momentary confusion and fear in his eyes, or the innocent lips which now twist into shapes he has never seen before. For that one second it always seems like the playful mask has fallen, and the sinister truth is out in the open. For that one flinching moment, it feels like Kyuhyun doesn’t know Donghae at all, and there are dark secrets within him that flash outside for a second as a form of mockery and menace.  
  
Then Donghae’s face shifts and he smiles like a kid, and Kyuhyun forgets.  
  
******  
  
“Let’s get drunk.”  
  
The pained and fearful face looks back, and the visage is clouded with yet another layer of horror at the words.  
  
“Let’s go to a bar and get shit-faced. I promise, you’ll feel better,” Kyuhyun can hear himself saying the sentences so fast, he doesn’t know where they are coming from.  
  
Donghae is shivering, looking Kyuhyun directly in the face as if accusing him of some horrendous crime for suggesting something so obscene. He moves his mouth to reply but the words don’t come out. All he can do is breathe heavily in, and in, and in, and in, and in, until he realizes he’s about to die and then out, out, out, out, out.  
  
Donghae is having a panic attack, and Kyuhyun is trying to distract him by talking out of his ass.  
  
The older doesn’t give up; since now he has a motive, and so he tries to reply again. And fails again. But now everything starts to make more sense as he feels Kyuhyun’s bony but sturdy hands holding onto his shoulders so tight. He can feel himself regaining control. His heart is beating so fast and so loudly he wonders if Kyuhyun can hear it.  
  
“YouknowIhavelowtolerance,” Donghae wheezes out incomprehensibly.  
  
Kyuhyun’s body eases and Donghae feels it. The former breaks into a smile.  
  
“What? I didn’t hear you.”  
  
“You bitch. I have low alcohol tolerance. Hear me now?”  
  
Kyuhyun jumps into Donghae’s arms to give him a hug.  
  
“Yes! I can hear you! Welcome back, Hae! Fuck that panic attack right in the ass!”  
  
Donghae’s body slowly eases into normality too, as he holds onto Kyuhyun as if he is a lifeline. Maybe he actually is a lifeline, because through his touch, Donghae’s heartbeat decreases down to a standard speed, and he remembers how to breathe again. He softly kisses Kyuhyun on his forehead as a gesture of thanks.  
  
“Kyuhyun. You know when I first met you, I always thought I would be the one who would fix you?” There is a child like look on Donghae’s face as he poses the question with his mouth parted. And then he finishes what he started.  
  
“Well, who knew, you would be the one who would waste all his time fixing me?”  
  
Kyuhyun cannot really comprehend what he is hearing, as he removes himself from the older’s embrace to assess him, and looks into Donghae’s sad eyes and deliberates on his usage of the word ‘waste’.  
  
“Especially when I... don’t deserve it at all,” at which Donghae looks like he is going to cry, but holds his emotional turmoil inside. Kyuhyun can’t help but marvel at how strong his boyfriend has become in this regard, despite the dawn of the panic attacks.  
  
“Shut the fuck up, Lee Donghae. Why are you still such a drama queen?” Kyuhyun forcefully rubs his nose against Donghae’s, and in their embrace he cushions his lips onto the older’s. Donghae is caught off-guard, but accepts the kiss greedily, holding the sides of Kyuhyun’s head in his hands, which thank god are no longer trembling. Kyuhyun still adores the taste of Donghae’s mouth, as well as the soft texture of his lips, and how perfectly he can move those luscious lips to--  
  
The blissful train of thought crashes as he hears a forced, stern cough. The males confusedly pull away from each other and see a lurking middle-aged man and his tall shadow over-arching them. He’s wearing a chicken hat and a badge reading “MANAGER”.  
  
“Lee Donghae, your shift-break ended five minutes ago. I need you back at the counter. And could you kindly tell your lover to stop being such a distraction,” the man really looks like he could use a party.  
  
Clumsy Donghae stumbles as he gets out of the chair, mumbling a “Sorry” and a quick and smiley goodbye to Kyuhyun.  
  
Kyuhyun leaves the food court pretty content for having helped Donghae out of his panic attack yet again.  
  
******  
  
_K: Hae-ssi. Hope I didn’t get you into trouble :~)_  
  
_D: nooo it was fine. ^^_  
  
_D: im bored nw actualy~~ h8 dis job~~_  
  
_K: You doing anything tonight with your friends?_  
  
_D: no :(_  
  
_K: Don’t worry. Hyukkie ditched me too. We were actually gonna go to the bar to get shit-faced. Lol_  
  
_D: hehehehe i thot u were talkig out of ur ass 2day ^^_  
  
_K: Cho Kyuhyun never talks out of his ass._  
  
_D: hehehehehehehehe yh u do ^^ dnt u remmbr 3 nites ago..._  
  
_K: DON’T BRING IT UP AGAIN. THAT WAS FUCKING PAINFUL._  
  
_D: hehe u looked sxy ^^_  
  
_K: Shut up._  
  
_K: Hey I was wondering, wanna go to the bar together then? Since I have no one else to go with?_  
  
_D: kyu :(_  
  
_K: Come on, Hae. Pls? Plsplsplspsls? I want to see you truly drunk at least once. And it’ll be fun, I swear._  
  
_D: will b fun when i puke on ur face ??~~_  
  
_K: YES. Please! Idc, I’m picking you up. Coming now you can’t stop me._  
  
_D: noooooo kyu :((_  
  
_K: Too late ^^_  
  
“Kyuhyuuuuun-aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh I don’t wannaaaa goooooooooooo,” Donghae’s whines.  
  
Kyuhyun, however is prepared. He is ready. Today he will take Donghae to the bar and get him drunk no matter how badly he needs to force him. He knows it will make Donghae feel relaxed. He needs it, like the horrible cherry cough medicine that a mother forces down her child’s throat. Which is why Kyuhyun doesn’t need to play the battle of words to convince Donghae; he merely needs to grab his arm and drag him with him.  
  
“Kyuuuuuuuu noooooooo,” Donghae continues the wailing, whilst ironically moving his feet with the current of the tide of Kyuhyun’s arm.  
  
Unfortunately, due to the younger being underage, the two have to go to a rather shady area of town to a low key bar that doesn’t ever check IDs. Besides, Kyuhyun’s height really helps him deal with these things, and it’s actually Donghae who has problems due to his incredible ability of constantly acting like a toddler.  
  
Kyuhyun decides to change tactics and link arms with Donghae, side-eyeing him innocently as the two are engulfed into the darkened streets. They need to stick together in these parts to make sure they don’t get mugged or something similar.  
  
“Donghae-ssi. You don’t have to drink more than two Soju glasses. Okay?”  
  
“Make it one. And we have a deal.”  
  
“Nope,” and so Kyuhyun continues his silent treatment.  
  
“Kyuhyun I can’t believe this. I’m the hyung! You’re underage for god’s sake! Why do you drink so much anyway, hmm?”  
  
Silence.  
  
“It’s so bad for your health. What will I do when your liver goes bust? Hmm?”  
  
Nothing.  
  
“You think you can just avoid eye contact and hold my arm and take me wherever you want? Well then, I can stay quiet too.”  
  
And Donghae looks straight ahead, completely silent and determined as the two continue to march on towards the bar, for twenty whole seconds.  
  
“Okay fine. Two Soju glasses,” Donghae mumbles.  
  
“Yay!” Kyuhyun’s face lights up as he gives Donghae a quick peck on the cheek, before a shiver runs down his spine and he is forced to contextualize what he has done with his surroundings.  
  
For some reason, it feels like someone unwanted is watching him, and as he remembers how he is with a _boyfriend_ in a dark inconspicuous street in a highly conservative country, openly showing affections towards said boyfriend, he jerks his arm out of Donghae’s as the horror dawns on him. He quickly glances behind to see if there is a tangible reason for his fears, but he sees no one. The streets are empty.  
  
But once Kyuhyun is creeped out, it’s hard for him to allay the fears and just continue on. He keeps his eyes peeled and looks around consistently because he actually feels the hairs on his neck prick up. He even thinks he is hearing footsteps, until he realizes they are just Donghae’s.  
  
The surroundings become progressively more crowded as they approach the intended destination. Kyuhyun is now wholly self-conscious, making sure to try his best not to grab Donghae’s hand like he usually does in crowded places so as not to look so obviously homosexual. He comes here with his friends usually, and so coming with his lover has put him in a completely different state of mind. He can feel Donghae’s presence on his side, and in a sense he is burning on the inside with the effort of merely existing besides him whilst people walk by. Kyuhyun gives himself a subtle wry smile. _I got Donghae to come to the bar with me, this is just incredible._  
  
As Kyuhyun makes his way towards the bar entrance, he can see Donghae in his peripheral vision walking beside him. It is only when Donghae takes a semi-pause in his walk does Kyuhyun notice something is wrong. In the corner of his eye he can see the expression on Donghae’s face, almost blurred but stark: shock. His eyes are wide and his mouth is open, and Kyuhyun’s heart stops.  
  
He turns his head to question but Donghae’s fine. He hasn’t looked this fine in his entire life. Kyuhyun almost shrinks back because of how normal Donghae looks, and he realizes that maybe he is going crazy. First the feeling of being watched, then the footsteps, now Donghae’s face. Yeah, he’s definitely taken a one-way train to Crazytown.  
  
Whilst partaking in his self-assessment, the younger fails to realize that he has his hand on the bar entrance handle, but his body is not moving at all.  
  
“Kyu? Aren’t you gonna open the door?” Donghae looks puzzled.  
  
“Oh. Y-yeah. So--”  
  
But before Kyuhyun can finish the apology, Donghae has taken charge and burst into the bar, dragging Kyuhyun in quickly with him. Emphasis on _quickly_.  
  
“So now you’re eager to drink too?” Kyuhyun can’t help but laugh.  
  
“Let’s just sit in the corner and get this done and over with please,” Donghae sounds angry, but this is exactly what Kyuhyun had expected, and even secretly hoped for.  
  
What Kyuhyun had not expected, was for Donghae to go to the counter and order before him. Or for him to order five different drinks in the first round. All for himself.  
  
“Uhh, what happened to two glasses of Soju?”  
  
“Shut up,” Donghae growls as he takes a shot.  
  
“Hae?! Tequila shots? Have you ever even had them before?”  
  
“Isn’t this what you wanted? Shut up and drink,” Donghae looks Kyuhyun in the eyes and there is nothing but unadulterated fear in them. Kyuhyun decides to deal with this by ordering the most lethal drink he can find. Then they get shit-faced.  
  
Kyuhyun gets extremely giggly when he is drunk, and due to his relative underaged inexperience he handles the giddy feeling of being inebriated by laying his head down on the table and singing whatever Donghae asks him to sing. Kyuhyun is extremely surprised at how Donghae is chugging down so much alcohol and still surviving despite his low tolerance. Maybe it’s Kyuhyun’s double-vision, but Donghae actually looks a lot more relaxed now and he is even flashing his million dollar smile with dimmed, slightly sleepy eyes.  
  
“Kyuhyunnie, wanna hear. A joke?” Donghae gurgles out in incomprehensible noises.  
  
“Hmm,” Kyuhyun moans out with his head on the table.  
  
“What does, a banana say?”  
  
“What...” Kyuhyun is already trying to force his laughter down to the depths of his stomach.  
  
“Hmph. I didn’t finish.”  
  
“Yah say the whole thing you idiot,” Kyuhyun’s tries to choke down his imploding giggling but it doesn’t work.  
  
“Hmm, okay. What does, a banana say to the doctor?” Donghae is also trying extremely hard not to burst before he can complete the punchline.  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“He says... he says... I’m not...” Donghae’s giggle fit has begun as he struggles to finish the sentence, and then it all comes out at once, caked in laughter, “I’m not peeling well.”  
  
They both guffaw loudly in unison, as Kyuhyun sits up and bangs the table with his fist. The joke is so fucking dumb, but he is so utterly pissed he can’t help himself. Donghae’s mouth is wide open with resounding laughter as he’s looking up in the direction of the ceiling with his eyes crinkled and watering with tears. Kyuhyun, upon realizing the ridiculousness of the situation, puts his head in his hands and just laughs so openly he thinks his heart will jump out of his throat.  
  
When the moment passes, he slumps his head back down on the table. He feels Donghae’s fingers touching his, and he looks up to find that his boyfriend’s head is also slumped on the table right across from his, and he has clasped his hand.  
  
“Hae, did you lie to me about your low alcohol tolerance?”  
  
“EH? Nooooooo,” Donghae closes his eyes and smiles innocently.  
  
Kyuhyun waits a second or two to rearrange his thoughts a little bit and figure out what to say. When he thinks he has got it perfect in his head, he declares:  
  
“Lee Donghae. You are super extra spicy hot.”  
  
“I know. Me too,” Donghae slurs out and they both go into fits of laughter all over again.  
  
“No seriously, Hae. Could you like, take of your shirt.”  
  
“Yeah, sure Kyu. But you take yours off first,” Donghae says as he tightens his grip on Kyuhyun’s hand.  
  
“Haaaaaae stop joking. I want you naked right right right now do it,” Kyuhyun demands.  
  
Donghae opens his eyes slowly and whispers to beckon Kyuhyun on the seat next to him. The younger one obliges, and Donghae doesn’t waste a second before cupping his head in his hands and kissing him passionately right there and then, not caring whether anyone in the bar is watching them or not.  
  
For the first time, Donghae doesn’t taste good. The stench of alcohol is strong, but Kyuhyun really doesn’t seem to mind as he takes Donghae in and kisses back furiously whilst holding him by the waist. As Donghae sticks his tongue in Kyuhyun’s mouth, the younger starts to giggle and retaliates, but only two seconds later does Donghae abruptly end the making out by pulling away.  
  
“Oh shit. I think I’m gonna throw up,” and the fear floods back in Donghae’s eyes, but Kyuhyun is too drunk to catch on.  
  
“Go to the bathroom then.”  
  
“No, Kyu come with me please,” Donghae’s face is flashing panic.  
  
“Can’t you go yourself? Just the bathroom oh my--”  
  
“Shit. Kyu. Shit. No. Oh my god I’m gonna puke. I can’t go alone, they’ll take me!” Donghae is practically screaming, and so Kyuhyun finally responds appropriately without comprehending what Donghae has just said.  
  
Kyuhyun rests his head on the white wall as Donghae vomits in the bathroom stall, and he falls asleep for about forty seconds. He even has a dream. He’s walking around in a beautiful wheat meadow, all golden. The weather is perfect and the sky is blue, and there’s no one else in the encompassing view of the entire field. It’s really serene and beautiful, and he can’t help but smile to himself. When he wakes up it’s to a completely drained and weak face of Donghae’s, who begs him to take him home now.  
  
They walk out of the bar, hand-in-hand, towards the main junction where they can grab a taxi and travel to Kyuhyun’s. Kyuhyun can’t help but notice that Donghae is walking really, really fast, and his mind flashes back to how Donghae had burst into the bar of his own accord at the beginning of the evening, rather uncharacteristically.  
  
“Hae. Slow down! What’s the rush?” Kyuhyun is being dragged forcefully by his boyfriend, and then he hears a wolf whistle from behind him.  
  
“Kyu, hurry. They’re coming,” it is only now that Kyuhyun zones in to realize that Donghae’s voice is trembling.  
  
Had Kyuhyun been sober, he probably would have been able to understand the situation more potently, but at this moment in time, all he can feel is fear. There’s something about Donghae that is suddenly very off, and maybe all those back of the neck goosebumps he was having before are suddenly justified. Kyuhyun feels unsafe, and for the first time he wants to let Donghae’s hand go and run really far away. The worst part is, he has no idea why he is feeling this.  
  
But that is before a sinister looking hooded man jumps out of a small alley in front of Donghae and pulls him away from Kyuhyun’s grasp. Kyuhyun is about to scream, but he feels a strong hand force itself onto his mouth from behind him to choke out his yell. His eyes grow wide as he watches the hooded man land a punch smack into his boyfriend’s face, who plummets onto the floor. Suddenly there are more men who appear out of nowhere, all clamoring to get their hands on Donghae, who is screaming out in pain. Kyuhyun flails his arms wildly but feels them being constrained by the man who is so tightly holding his entire body.    
  
Kyuhyun can do nothing but watch as the first hooded man grabs Donghae by the scruff of his shirt and pulls him to eye level.  
  
“Where’s the dope, fuckboy?” He spits the words onto Donghae’s now bruised and bloodied face.  
  
Donghae replies so quietly that Kyuhyun cannot catch the words. In that while he wonders if maybe he’s still asleep on the bathroom wall and he is just having a terrible nightmare. The man’s rattling voice however, suggests otherwise.  
  
“The fuck you doing here showing up around these parts if you don’t got the dope? I made a deal with your boss. Tell him I send my regards,” and as Kyuhyun strains to see clearly, he hears a thud, and figures it’s Donghae’s body falling onto the ground.  
  
The man holding Kyuhyun eases his grip, but brings his face close to Kyuhyun’s ear and whispers so that only he can hear him.  
  
“I know who you are, Kyu-ssi. You love him don’t you? Well, just tell him, this was a warning. And next time, we’ll come to fuck your face up, not his,” he lets Kyuhyun go and runs off with the rest of his gang.  
  
Kyuhyun squashes the urge to just _run the fuck away from here_ and kneels down to assess the damage done to Donghae’s face first. It isn’t as bad as he had conjured up in his twisted mind, and so he breathes out a small sigh of relief as Donghae’s eyes flutter open.  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Donghae’s gone into broken record stuck on repeat mode, and he’s desperately looking at Kyuhyun for some sign of understanding as soon as his vision is clear.  
  
“Fuck you,” Kyuhyun flinches at how much colder the words come out than he had intended.  
  
“W-what?” There is nothing but absolute fear and despair in Donghae’s weak voice, but Kyuhyun does not let up.  
  
“So how long have you been dealing huh? And how fucking far gone are you?”  
  
“Kyuhyun, please.”  
  
“No. I need to know how addicted you are. I need to know how much you’ve lied to me.”  
  
“I’m not addicted! I didn’t even try it once! I swear, Kyu!” Donghae’s voice shatters, and tears start to form.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I mean it, Kyu! I’m only selling it cause I needed the money.”  
  
“And I gave you the fucking money! I was giving you my savings! You couldn’t take that but you could deal drugs illegally? What the fuck, Donghae?!” Kyuhyun’s voice is like relentless thunder. He has never felt rage in its pure form before this.  
  
“Kyu, I--”  
  
“No, Donghae! _No!_ I gave you everything! I gave you my fucking bed, my heart, my soul, my entire life! I live for you now, you brat! Don’t you understand?! I believed you when you said you would never let me down. I can’t believe how fucking naïve I was!” Kyuhyun’s pitch rises with every word and his throat begins to hurt.  
  
Donghae remains silent, bowing his head in shame as the waterworks take full flow. It only takes five seconds for Kyuhyun to start feeling bad, but he can’t stop his reflex tongue from rubbing in the wounds more.  
  
“Now the fucking drama queen show begins. Jesus Christ. Get up, we need to take the next taxi home.”  
  
“No. I think I’m gonna-- go home. My home,” and the hurt in his voice is actually oozing out in plain sight for Kyuhyun to see.  
  
Donghae manages to stand without Kyuhyun’s help, and walks away from his maknae without once making eye contact, in a direction that does not lead to Kyuhyun’s house. It only hits Kyuhyun then how much damage he has done, as he finds himself sitting in the middle of this shady street at 2am completely alone. He sighs deeply, and feels an emptiness inside him which he hasn’t felt for a long time, and it comes back in full force, almost as if it never left in the first place. He makes his way home, and wonders whether out of him and Donghae, he really is the more heartbroken one or not.  
  
******

  
Donghae feels the sunlight intruding his room through the curtains; he can see it behind his tightly shut eyelids which now open ever so slightly. He winces at first. The sheer contrast of his darkened room with now this one line of shining bright light passing directly into his eyes is not pleasant initially, but he gets used to it after a few minutes. He lies down on his bed, wishing desperately for the last night to just have been a nightmare, and wishing he could get another chance with Kyuhyun and erase what he had done.  
  
He stays realistic, quickly stomping on the wishful thinking, and tries to think of ways in which he can amend the situation. He needs to apologize. He needs to talk to Kyuhyun and explain his reasons. Kyuhyun will surely understand, right?  
  
_He loves me. Of course he will listen._ Donghae smiles but mentally cannot figure out whether he is right or has judged the entire situation completely wrongly. He grabs his phone from the side desk and begins composing possibly the most important text of his life. For the first time in his life he puts effort into typing it.  
  
_Kyuhyun, I know you’re mad but_  
  
No. Too sudden.  
  
_Kyu, we need to talk. I need to explain myself_  
  
No. Too self-defending.  
  
_Can I come over? I need to say sorr_  
  
No. He will never agree to it.  
  
Donghae grapples with his mind for a few minutes, trying to pin down what he wants to say internally before typing it out. It is only when he relays back the night’s events and Kyuhyun’s words all over again in his mind does he realize that Kyuhyun probably never wants to speak to him again and he is going to be alone for the rest of his life now. It makes him want to rip his body apart into pieces.  
  
_Kyuhyun. I love you. I love you so much. I love you so much it hurts me inside and outside. You’re the most amazing person I have ever known, and I don’t deserve you. I feel guilty. I feel sorry. You deserve someone better, but I am selfish and want to keep you as mine forever. I’m so sorry for what I have done. I thought I could explain myself to you but I don’t know how. I needed the money but you’re right, I should have just asked you. Which is why I will quit. I’ll tell my boss I’m leaving this shit and nothing will touch us ever again okay? I’ll start taking care of you again, like the hyung I’m supposed to be, and you won’t have to worry. I will never let you down again, and I mean it Ky_  
  
Donghae’s phone momentarily jams and the screen he is typing on is intruded by a new flashing sign. He almost yells out in frustration at the lost words but then realizes that the electronic is merely trying to get him to address the new text message he has received from ‘UNKNOWN NUMBER’  
  
_[13:41] You won’t find him now. I gave you a warning last night, and you didn’t oblige. Naughty boy you are, Mr Lee x_  
  
Donghae doesn’t care to process anything but the first sentence, and it takes him only two minutes to pounce out of bed and start making his way to Kyuhyun’s house.  
  
Kyuhyun’s not at home.  
  
******

Donghae has a wad of papers in his hand, all the same, photocopied. He has managed to walk himself to the most desolate part of the city, initially with a glimmer of hope that maybe here his efforts would be fruitful. When he physically arrives however, staring directly at a tree trunk which he aims to cover, his hopes dwindle and he feels ridiculous and helpless. He knows he is stupid for having any hope, but there’s no other way for him to move and function in life without that pathetic hope anymore.  
  
He takes the scotch tape out of his bag and bites off a medium-sized piece from the roll; fingers out one of the papers and sticks it with precision on the tree trunk. He’s done those actions in that exact order around thirty times each day for the past month.  
  
Donghae steps back to assess the masterpiece now positioned on the bark. The missing person’s poster stares back at him, with Cho Kyuhyun’s angelic face. Donghae still gets butterflies everytime he sees the face, but now the feeling is coupled with guilt, and a horrible twisting in his insides which makes him lose his appetite and his sleep.  
  
Donghae had not quit drug-dealing.  
  
He had been fired, because the manipulative buying party had kidnapped Kyuhyun, and now Donghae was a weakness. It was all a game to them, of lies and deceit, and Donghae’s collateral damage would not be accounted for. The drug-dealers had no intention to entertain the buyers, who had attempted to cut a large-scale deal with them to become stakeholders in their business. The buyers were thus playing the battle of forcefully getting the drug-dealers to do their bidding and accept. Donghae was merely an inexperienced middleman, caught in the cross-fire.  
  
Before Kyuhyun was stolen, everyone in the town knew that he was head over heels for Donghae. They never once tried to hide their relationship in public. A regular feature in the food court, they would even hold hands and kiss on bus stops, at the university, at the academy, in the park. So, everyone knew that Kyuhyun was Donghae’s weakness, which is why he was taken.  
  
He tried the police. He was even willing to tell them everything he could about the drug-dealing business, risking getting arrested. The only thing that stopped him were the constant threatening messages he received from his boss, warning that if he snitched, his mother would go next. He also found that the manipulative buying party were a professional gang, and kidnapping stories initiated by them were the norm which the police apathetically ignored. To them, Kyuhyun was not a special case.  
  
“Don’t you think he was a little depressed? Maybe he ran away, kiddo,” Donghae winced when the local police officer had ignorantly claimed.  
  
Just as everyone had known about their relationship, everyone now knew the missing face of Kyuhyun. That’s what he had been declared: _missing_ , rather than kidnapped. There were conspiracy theories everywhere. Most believed he had commit suicide, and to Donghae’s dismay, the champion of the theory was Kyuhyun’s best friend Siwon himself. He would reiterate the fact to Donghae and tearfully tell him to accept it, because Kyuhyun could never come back now. Hyukjae also believed that Kyuhyun was beyond help, although the details of his death he never felt he could be sure of. It made Donghae want to physically hurt the two, but deep down he knew he couldn’t blame them. After all, they had no idea what had actually happened.  
  
What hurt Donghae the most was the theory of him being the killer as an abusive boyfriend. Although he knew he was the primary reason for what had happened to his beloved, he felt disillusioned at people pinning him as someone who would intentionally hurt Kyuhyun. He had done nothing but love him, and other people doubting the pure and genuine love he had always and would always feel for the maknae, made him exponentially more upset than he already was because of the present situation.  
  
Donghae did a good job of hiding his pain. Everyday his purpose would be to create more awareness around town so that every single minute creature was on the lookout for the tall, shaggy haired young man. He needed to be really strong, to emotionally support Kyuhyun’s mother and father and carry out the, now seemingly redundant, missing person’s checklist tasks every day. These three people were almost going through the motions every single day, pinning posters on tree trunks, keeping their eyes peeled, making phonecalls and asking people on the streets if they had seen Cho Kyuhyun. Donghae would go home at night, and then let himself surrender to the weakness of his emotions and cry. His swollen eyes with dark circles underneath had now become permanent.  
  
He felt trapped and helpless and he knew he deserved it. He couldn’t tell a soul what had happened. To everyone, Kyuhyun was just missing, and the redundant police case was bringing nothing new to the table. Kyuhyun had just disappeared off the face of the earth, and Donghae had no fucking idea how to proceed with anything in life whatsoever. His boss cutting off all ties with him besides the anonymous texting threats, meant that Donghae had no way to reach out to even the gang that had been responsible for the kidnapping. He would try to find more information through his own research but it led everytime to a dead end. They were good at covering their trails.  
  
When he would lie down in his bed, he would remember Kyuhyun. He would cherish every last detail he could picture in his mind, like his cute nose and his soft, dry lips, his pretty eyelashes. He would desperately cling to each memory he had of him. Soon he realized that no matter how hard he tried, it would start fading from him. First it was his voice, then he couldn’t remember the shape of his eyes, then he couldn’t place which shade of brown his hair was. It took Donghae into an even further despair.  
  
He felt disgusted by the thought, but late at night when Donghae would be shivering in his bed, eyes wet with tears, he would wish for Kyuhyun to actually be dead. At least that way, he knew he would not be suffering.  
  
Today, as he walks back home after an entire month of looking for his love, the only thing he wishes is for him to appear out of nowhere and run into his arms.  
  
******  
  
It’s been one month and nine days.  
  
Donghae comes back home physically exhausted and emotionally dead. He wants to change into his pajamas and crawl under his bedsheets and just hide. The guilt and shame is taking its toll on him, and he doesn’t know how long he can go on before he will completely shatter from within. He continues to tell himself that he deserves it.  
  
He trudges on, his feet walking slowly in measured steps. Every move hurts because Donghae knows the pointlessness of it all. There is no reason for him to be living anymore because he will never find Kyuhyun. He forces himself to continue on into his room and exist. Exist when he has no idea if Kyuhyun is okay, or where he is. Donghae never once entertains the thought that Kyuhyun could have run away of his own accord. He trusts Kyuhyun enough to know he would never do such a thing. But the other endless arrays of possibilities kill him on the inside, and he doesn’t know what to do; where to run; where he will find some peace to end the trauma once and for all.  
  
And then it hits him like a bullet in the back when he sees Kyuhyun sitting on his bed.  
  
Donghae thinks he is actually dead and this is probably Heaven, because Kyuhyun’s just, right there. Within his reach. He can see him. _Is he real?_  
  
Kyuhyun responds by standing up as soon as he is aware of Donghae’s presence.  
  
“Donghae-ssi?” Kyuhyun’s absolutely fucking beautiful voice rasps out, and Donghae wants to cry from happiness. His mind has turned to jelly and he can process absolutely nothing right now. Maybe someone’s pulling a prank on him and this Kyuhyun is just an elaborate hologram.  
  
“Kyuhyun-ah,” Donghae flatly says, and then his body moves him towards the love of his life and his bruised face, and he hugs him and feels his chest rest on the other’s. He can hear the _thud thud thud_ of Kyuhyun’s live beating heart, and he can feel his mouth breaking into his first smile in a month.  
  
Kyuhyun lets out his own sigh of relief as he lets himself be engulfed by Donghae’s embrace.  
  
Donghae pulls away and holds him by the shoulders, assessing his face to do damage control checks.  
  
“Are you okay, Kyu? Did they hurt you? Tell me where those bastards are I’ll fucking end them,” Donghae looks directly into Kyuhyun’s eyes to maybe see some sort of sign.  
  
“Hae, I’m okay. I’ll explain everything. Fuck, I missed you so much,” and to Donghae’s surprise he smiles at him.  
  
He sits Donghae down and explains the outline of the entire story. He talks about how he was kidnapped before he could even reach home that horrible night when he had screamed at Donghae. As soon as he talks about that night, he apologizes for the screaming, touching Donghae’s hand softly whilst doing so. He tells Donghae of how for the past month he had basically been blindfolded for most of his days, tied up in a dark warehouse, given food and guarded bathroom breaks when need be. They knew that he knew nothing, so there was no point in trying to get any information out of him. The buyers soon found out that Donghae had been made redundant, and Kyuhyun became useless to them. They would beat him up occasionally for recreational purposes, and it was during these beating ups that Kyuhyun managed to befriend one of the enemies: Changmin.  
  
“He’s the one who helped me escape, Hae. He felt bad for me and let me go without the big guys finding out.”  
  
Donghae is listening, but he isn’t really focusing on the words. He just cannot stop looking at Kyuhyun’s beautiful face. He can’t stop touching his hands and putting his own where Kyuhyun’s heart his, feeling it beat again and again. He’s looking at Kyuhyun bewildered as if he is a walking dream about to disappear from his sight. A hallucination of some sort that's playing tricks on his mind. But when he touches him he feels real, and Donghae can't stop smiling.

Kyuhyun continues to rant and at this point Donghae has actually stopped listening. He looks into Kyuhyun's excited eyes to figure out whether he is broken yet again or not.

"Kyu?" he interrupts, "are _you_ okay?"

Kyuhyun stares back, about to say something in haste but stops himself. He clasps Donghae's hands and says in the cheesiest voice in the universe,

"I am. Because I'm with you now."

They both smile simultaneously at each other, and it doesn't really feel like they've been through hell and back this past year but rather, Kyuhyun's just come over for one of his regular sleepovers.

Donghae's mind is still short-circuiting, and he can find no words to say. He takes out his phone and shows Kyuhyun the incomplete text message he was meant to send him.

"You better have fucking left that drug-dealing shit or else I--"

"I got fired. Never going back. Promise."

"Really?"

"Of course Kyu," Donghae caresses his cheek, still not believing he is actually there in front of him, "I'm going to apply to university so I can be with you."

"YAH REALLY? OH MY GOD YES!" Kyuhyun whoops and hugs Donghae, but then goes solemn, "But what about football?"

"Compromise in necessary. And who says I can't join the university team?"

"That's the spirit."

The two remain in each other's embrace for the next few minutes, silently listening to each other's labored breathing and subtle movements, feeling each other's existence blissfully.

"Kyu. When we're done with uni, can we just run away?"

"Run away where?"

"I don't know. Anywhere. Wherever you want. Whatever you want. We can just be with each other."

"And fix each other?" Kyuhyun smirks in his cheesy way.

"Yeah. Cho Kyuhyun and Lee Donghae. Healing together."

"Sounds like a plan, Hae," and with that Kyuhyun kisses Donghae's lips.

And it's the most beautiful kiss they have ever shared.

~~

 


End file.
